“Tell the truth, or at least don’t lie”. Jordan Peterson
When I asked God to remove anything that might be getting in the way of hearing him speak to me, He gutted me. There was dishonesty that I didn’t even know existed. Unlike the loss you experience of a loved one from cancer that comes in the night, I orchestrated the disease that led me to lose the one I loved. As men, it is easy to run and seek comfort in a million other people, places, or things. But nothing would satisfy this loss. I lied. I sinned. I broke promises. I ruined something amazing for myself, but even worse, for many other people who truly loved me. The dreams and hopes that died for me? They died for the other side too, but because of me. How do you go on after that? How do you carry that shame and guilt? No apology seems to do. The only thing that I understand to do is to let God complete his work in me and have faith that he will use it to heal all of us. There is no antidote. No rewind. There is only God in the end. And therefore, there is only God in a new beginning.
I have to pray alone and tell God what I think every day and ask him to verify it just to know I am seeking and speaking the truth. Some things I hear or see back shock me. Some things don’t. Some things, like when he finally answered my “why” hurt, because he was right. And the truth, when initially avoided, can be very painful. All of the apologies in the world won’t undo an ounce of the pain of a lie. Don’t be like me, don’t let dishonesty creep up this late in life. It is gross. And it is not who you, or I, am in the slightest. We are the honest representation of God. So, the only way forward is an honest representation of him. With honesty comes the opportunity of repetance. With repentance comes grace. With grace comes freedom. But the pain of your lies lasts forever.
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